funny stuff

Kids Say the Darndest Things

A Sunday School teacher asked, “Who can tell me what Easter means?” A little boy raised his hand and said, “That’s when Jesus was crucified, and buried, and was raised from the dead on the third day.” The teacher was impressed until the youngster then added, “And if He sees His shadow there will be six more weeks of winter!”The Sunday School assignment was to write out a prayer to God. One kid wrote the following: “Dear God, I ask You to bless all the Jews. And bless all the Catholics. And bless all the Prostitutes.”


Here is a collection of other assorted comments from kids in Church:

The first book of the Bible is the Guinness Book of World Records. In it we are told that Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of their children, Cain, asked, “Am I my brother’s son?”God asked Abraham to sacrifice Isaac on Mount Montezuma. Jacob, son of Isaac, stole his brother’s birthmark. One of Jacob’s sons, Joseph, gave refuse to the Israelites in Egypt.Pharaoh forced the Hebrew slaves to make bread without straw. Moses led them to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide. He got the ten commandments, but died before he ever reached Canada. The fifth commandment is “Humor thy father and mother.”

David was Hebrew king who fought with the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times. Solomon, one of David’s sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.

Christians have only one wife, this is called monotony. Noah’s wife was called Joan of Ark. Lot’s wife was a pillar of salt by day, and a ball of fire by night. The wives of the Apostles were called Epistles. Jesus was followed by the Twelve Opossums.

Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption!

 

Did You Hear?

  • “Did you hear about the paranoid procrastinator? He’s afraid of Saturday the Fourteenth.”
  • “Did you hear about the guy that gambled with Tarot Cards? He lost a fortune!”
  • “Did you hear about the guy that ran through a screen door? He strained himself!”
  • “Did you hear about the guy the fell on a saw and cut his whole left side off? He’s alright, now.”
  • “Did you hear about the guy who successfully escaped from the Insane Assylum by running through the woods? He took the Psycho Path.”
  • “Did you hear about the guy that stole a truckload of prunes? He’s been on the run for the last month.”
  • “Did you hear about the cannibal who was walking through the jungle? He passed his cousin down by the river.”
  • “Did you hear about the guy who went bankrupt in the laundry business? He was all washed up.”
  • “Did you hear about the guy that drank eight cokes and burped seven up?”
  • “Did you hear about the guy that drank five non-alcholic beers? He got into a fake fist fight?”

10 Ways to Survive Dull Sermons

  • Pass a note to the worship leader asking whether he or she plays requests.
  • Move to as many different seats as possible, without being too obvious.
  • Raise your hand and ask for permission to go to the bathroom.
  • Scratch you arm and shoulder and see how many other people you can make itch.
  • Stare at the preacher with your eyes wide open.
  • See if a yawn really is contagious.
  • Slap your neighbor and see if they turn the other cheek. If not, raise your hand and tell the usher.
  • Signal to the minister that his fly is undone.
  • Draw your arms up into your sleeves and turn your shirt around backwards.
  • Start from the back of the church and try to crawl all the way to the front, under the pews, without being noticed.

True Confessions?

A man with a nagging secret couldn’t keep it any longer. In the confessional he admitted that for years he had been stealing building supplies from the lumberyard where he worked.“What did you take?” his parish priest asked.“Enough to build my own home and enough for my son’s house. And houses for our two daughters. And our cottage at the lake.”“This is very serious,” the priest said. “I shall have to think of a far-reaching penance. Have you ever done a retreat?”“No, Father, I haven’t,” the man replied. “But if you can get the plans, I can get the lumber.”

Three Wishes

A despondent wife whose husband had left her for another woman was walking along the beach when she saw a bottle on the sand. She picked it up and pulled out the cork. Whoosh! A big puff of smoke appeared.“You have released me from my prison,” the genie told her. “To show my thanks, I grant you three wishes. But take care, for with each wish your mate will receive double of whatever you request.”The woman thought for a moment and then asked for a million dollars. There was a flash of light, and a million dollars appeared at her feet. At the same instant, in a far-off place, her wayward husband looked down to see twice that amount at his feet.“And your second wish?”“Genie, I want the world’s most expensive diamond necklace.”Another flash of light, and the woman was holding the precious treasure. And, in that distant place, her husband was looking for a gem broker to buy his latest bonanza.

“Genie, is it really true that my husband has two million dollars and more jewels that I do, and that he gets double of whatever I wish for?” The genie said it was indeed true.

“Okay, genie, I’m ready for my last wish,” the woman said. “Scare me half to death.”

When Christians Change Light Bulbs

Q — How many Presbyterians does it take to change a lightbulb?
A — None. God has predestined when the lights will be on.
Q — How many Catholics does it take to change a lightbulb?
A — None. They always use candles instead.
Q — How many evangelicals does it take to change a light bulb?
A — Evangelicals do not change light bulbs. They simply read out the instructions and hope the light bulb will decide to change itself.
Q — How many Baptists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Change?????
Q — How many Pentecostals does it take to change a light bulb?
A — 10, one to change it and 9 others to pray against the spirit of darkness.
Q — How many TV evangelists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A — One. But for the message of hope to continue to go forth, send in your donation today.
Q — How many campfire worship leaders does it take to change a lightbulb?
A — One. But soon all those around can warm up to its glowing.
Q — How many charismatics does it take to change a lightbulb?
A — Three, one to cast it out and two to catch it when it falls!
Q — How many conservative Anglicans does it take to change a lightbulb?
A — Three. One to change it and two to storm out in protest if the person changing it is a woman!
Q — How many contemporary worship leaders does it take to change a lightbulb?
A — One. He just stands in place while the whole world revolves around him.


How to Make Your Mark in this World

There was this guy who was having breakfast with his grandson. “I want to tell you the secret to a long and lasting life,” he said, “but you cant tell your mom and dad I told you this.””OK, Grandpa,” the kid said.

“Here it is,” his Grandpa said, “you sprinkle gunpowder on your cornflakes every morning for breakfast.”

The kid didn’t realize his Grandpa was only joking, so he did it; faithfully, and secretly every morning. And wouldn’t you know it; the kid lived to be 93 years old!

When he died he left five children, twelve grand-children, sixteen great-grandchildren — and a twenty foot hole in the wall of the Crematorium!

Yep, that’s one way to leave your mark in this world!!

 

My Dad is Better than Your Dad…

Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, “My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50.”

The second boy says, “That’s nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100.”

The third boy says, “I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon… and it takes eight people to collect all the money!”


A Three-legged Dog walked into a bar and said, “I’m looking for the man who shot my paw!”


Scientist at a Washington Think Tank met with three idiots to try and determine how their brains worked. “What’s three times three?” they asked the first idiot. “Uh, 247,” he replied.

They moved on to idiot No.2 and asked him the same question, “What’s three times three?” and he answered, “Tuesday.

They then turned to idiot No.3 and asked, “What’s three times three?” He paused for a moment of thought and then said, “Three times three is 9.”

“That’s correct!” the scientists exclaimed. “How did you figure that out?” “Easy,” the idiot said, “I just subtracted 247 from Tuesday.”


 

Frosty the Snowman was at the local grocery store in the produce section. Several people stood around in amazement watching him pick his nose.

There were two snowmen in front yards next door to each other. One night when everybody was asleep, the one snowman calls out to the other, “Hey, do you smell carrots?”


 

There was this farmer who was in the barn milking his cow. A strange bug came into the barn and began buzzing about the cow’s head. The farmer watched closely as he continued to squeeze the milk into the pail. He wanted to be ready to move fast in case the bug bit the cow, and the cow kicked the bucket.

Suddenly the bug shot right into the cow’s ear. The farmer jumped back, but the cow did not budge. After a minute of waiting, the farmer went back to milking the cow. A few moments later the bug squirted out of the cow into the milk pail.

The farmer said, “Well I’ll be — in one ear and out the udder.”


 

 A BAGPIPER was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man who had no family or friends. The funeral was to be held at a new cemetery in the remote countryside, and this man would be the first person to be laid to rest there.

Unfamiliar with the backwoods area, the Piper became lost and finally arrived an hour late.He saw the backhoe and the crew who were eating lunch but the hearse was nowhere in sight. He apologized to the workers for his tardiness and stepped to the side of the open grave where I saw the vault lid already in place.

The Piper assured the workers he would not hold them up for long but this was the proper thing to do. The workers gathered around, still eating their lunch. The Piper played out his heart and soul, an, as he played the workers began to weep

He closed the heartfelt session with Amazing Grace, and walked to his car. As the Piper opened the door he overheard one of the workers saying to another, “Sweet Mary ‘n Joseph!! I have never seen nothin’ like that before, and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years!”