dumb jokes

Things that Make You Go “Hmmmm”

Change is inevitable…. except from vending machines.Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.

If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you

Money can’t buy happiness. But it sure makes misery easier to live with.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you’ll have to catch up

Time wounds all heels

Statistics show that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are okay, then it’s you

Deja Moo: The feeling that you’ve heard this bull before

I bought my wife a mood ring. When she’s in a good mood, it turns blue. When she’s in a bad mood, it leaves a red mark right upside my head.

There was this guy who thought himself to be a great punster. He entered a pun contest, sure that at least one of his ten submitted puns would win first place. He was wrong. No pun in ten did.

Did you hear about the two silk worms who were in a race? They ended up in a tie.

Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: “You hang out here; I’ll go on a head.'”

Two Skunks in the Woods

skunk in the woodsIt was a fine sunny day as two young skunks were scurrying about in the woods, mindless and carefree. Suddenly, one skunk turned and said to the other, “My instincts tell me its going to rain.”The other skunk paused, as though deep in thought, and then replied. “That’s funny,” he said, “My end stinks and it don’t tell me nothing!”

You’re Drinking Way too Much Coffee if…..

Your eyes stay open when you sneezeThe only time you’re standing still is during an earthquake You can jump-start your car without cables

You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee

You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the timer

You’re so wired, you pick up FM radio

Instant coffee takes too long

You want to be cremated just so you can spend the rest of eternity in a coffee can

You introduce your wife as your “Coffee-mate.”

Adopted Twins

A woman had twins and gave them up for adoption. One of them went to a family in Egypt and was named Ahmal. The other went to a family in Spain; they named him Juan. Years later, Juan sent a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband then replied, “Honey, they’re twins; if you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Ahmal.”

 

A Compendium of Conpundiums

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.Police were called to a daycare where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

I couldn’t quite remember how to throw a boomerang, but eventually it came back to me.

The roundest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference.

To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.

A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, UCLA.

The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.

The dead batteries were given out free of charge.

If you take a laptop computer for a run, you could jog your memory.

A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.

I didn’t know where the sun went at night, so I stayed up thinking about it until it dawned on me.

Clones are people, two

Eschew obfuscation

Help stamp out and eradicate superfluous redundancy

I use to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not sure

Energizer bunny arrested, charged with battery

Boycott shampoo… Demand REAL poo!

IRS – Be audit you can be

When Christians Change Lightbulbs

Q: How many Presbyterians does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. God has predestined when the lights will be on.Q: How many Catholics does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. They always use candles instead.

Q: How many evangelicals does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Evangelicals do not change light bulbs. They simply read out the instructions and hope the light bulb will decide to change itself.

Q: How many Baptists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Change?????

Q: How many Pentecostals does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 10, one to change it and 9 others to pray against the spirit of darkness.

Q: How many TV evangelists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One. But for the message of hope to continue to go forth, send in your donation today.

Q: How many campfire worship leaders does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One. But soon all those around can warm up to its glowing.

Q: How many charismatics does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Three, one to cast it out and two to catch it when it falls!

Q: How many conservative Anglicans does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Three. One to change it and two to storm out in protest if the person changing it is a woman!

Q: How many contemporary worship leaders does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One. He or she just stands in place while the whole world revolves around them.