Kids Say the Darndest Things
Here is a collection of other assorted comments from kids in Church:
Pharaoh forced the Hebrew slaves to make bread without straw. Moses led them to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide. He got the ten commandments, but died before he ever reached Canada. The fifth commandment is “Humor thy father and mother.”
David was Hebrew king who fought with the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times. Solomon, one of David’s sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
Christians have only one wife, this is called monotony. Noah’s wife was called Joan of Ark. Lot’s wife was a pillar of salt by day, and a ball of fire by night. The wives of the Apostles were called Epistles. Jesus was followed by the Twelve Opossums.
Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption!
Did You Hear?
- “Did you hear about the paranoid procrastinator? He’s afraid of Saturday the Fourteenth.”
- “Did you hear about the guy that gambled with Tarot Cards? He lost a fortune!”
- “Did you hear about the guy that ran through a screen door? He strained himself!”
- “Did you hear about the guy the fell on a saw and cut his whole left side off? He’s alright, now.”
- “Did you hear about the guy who successfully escaped from the Insane Assylum by running through the woods? He took the Psycho Path.”
- “Did you hear about the guy that stole a truckload of prunes? He’s been on the run for the last month.”
- “Did you hear about the cannibal who was walking through the jungle? He passed his cousin down by the river.”
- “Did you hear about the guy who went bankrupt in the laundry business? He was all washed up.”
- “Did you hear about the guy that drank eight cokes and burped seven up?”
- “Did you hear about the guy that drank five non-alcholic beers? He got into a fake fist fight?”
10 Ways to Survive Dull Sermons
- Pass a note to the worship leader asking whether he or she plays requests.
- Move to as many different seats as possible, without being too obvious.
- Raise your hand and ask for permission to go to the bathroom.
- Scratch you arm and shoulder and see how many other people you can make itch.
- Stare at the preacher with your eyes wide open.
- See if a yawn really is contagious.
- Slap your neighbor and see if they turn the other cheek. If not, raise your hand and tell the usher.
- Signal to the minister that his fly is undone.
- Draw your arms up into your sleeves and turn your shirt around backwards.
- Start from the back of the church and try to crawl all the way to the front, under the pews, without being noticed.
Another flash of light, and the woman was holding the precious treasure. And, in that distant place, her husband was looking for a gem broker to buy his latest bonanza.
“Genie, is it really true that my husband has two million dollars and more jewels that I do, and that he gets double of whatever I wish for?” The genie said it was indeed true.
“Okay, genie, I’m ready for my last wish,” the woman said. “Scare me half to death.”
When Christians Change Light Bulbs
A — None. God has predestined when the lights will be on.
Q — How many Catholics does it take to change a lightbulb?
A — None. They always use candles instead.
Q — How many evangelicals does it take to change a light bulb?
A — Evangelicals do not change light bulbs. They simply read out the instructions and hope the light bulb will decide to change itself.
Q — How many Baptists does it take to change a light bulb?
Q — How many Pentecostals does it take to change a light bulb?
A — 10, one to change it and 9 others to pray against the spirit of darkness.
Q — How many TV evangelists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A — One. But for the message of hope to continue to go forth, send in your donation today.
Q — How many campfire worship leaders does it take to change a lightbulb?
A — One. But soon all those around can warm up to its glowing.
Q — How many charismatics does it take to change a lightbulb?
A — Three, one to cast it out and two to catch it when it falls!
Q — How many conservative Anglicans does it take to change a lightbulb?
A — Three. One to change it and two to storm out in protest if the person changing it is a woman!
Q — How many contemporary worship leaders does it take to change a lightbulb?
A — One. He just stands in place while the whole world revolves around him.
How to Make Your Mark in this World
“OK, Grandpa,” the kid said.
“Here it is,” his Grandpa said, “you sprinkle gunpowder on your cornflakes every morning for breakfast.”
The kid didn’t realize his Grandpa was only joking, so he did it; faithfully, and secretly every morning. And wouldn’t you know it; the kid lived to be 93 years old!
When he died he left five children, twelve grand-children, sixteen great-grandchildren — and a twenty foot hole in the wall of the Crematorium!
Yep, that’s one way to leave your mark in this world!!
My Dad is Better than Your Dad…
Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, “My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50.”
The second boy says, “That’s nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100.”
The third boy says, “I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon… and it takes eight people to collect all the money!”